Chicago Soul Exchange LLC. has irrevocably ceased trading in past lives as of 5:00 p.m. Central Daylight Time,  May 14th, 2010.

Current customers may direct inquiries to the Historical Derivatives Division of Credit Liechtenstein Caribe Investment Group, London/Tokyo/Dubai.

Just so everyone hears it from me and not through blog rumors.

This morning I got a call from a guy called Mike Barrington . . . who in no uncertain terms made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

Except for the number at the bottom which almost gave me a happiness heart attack.

So, after a few hours of initialing and relinquishing, it’s all over but for the legalese:

“All future inquiries pertaining to ChadBonneur SignatureSoulsTM may be referred to the Historical Derivatives Division of Credit Liechtenstein Caribe Investment Group.”

Have a good one!

Dear PastLifeMaven,

Due to to the speed of breaking events in the past 24 hours I have not yet had the opportunity to introduce myself to you properly. Excuse my poor manners.

I am N. Michael Barrington and I reperesent Credit Liechtenstein Caribe Investment Group (CLCIG).

As you no doubt have noticed, we have been clearing up certain loose ends that would have complicated our purchase of your company, your entire stock of past lives, your supplier relationships, and your public good will before the end of the business day today. Those impediments are now gone. I’m sure you will find the purchase price we are prepared to offer you more than adequate to make up for the suddenness of our negotiations.

You will receive a call from me in the next two hours on your private line. We have the number.

Sincerely Yours,

N. Michael Barrington

CLCIG
Credit Liechtenstein Caribe Investment Group

Phoo!

SpiritualEssence just had to have a good cry.

Now that she’s read Maven’s post with more information from Brgustwith, Swidhelm’s “wife” (she can’t even bear to say the word) she’s feeling better.

At our age, everyone has a past, right?

Swidhelm is not remorseful.

But he is cute. He and SpiritualEssence are on the internet looking at pig farms for sale in rural Pennsylvania. Call her a dreamer. Again.

Dear Chicago Soul Exchange Customers, Especially SpiritualEssence. Swidhelm’s wife Breguswidth is still here.

Here’s the first thing I’ve learned: These dead gals from the middle ages sure can talk!

I probably shouldn’t have made her a cup of coffee. Oh well. But I can talk, too!

Here’s the skinny so far:

Breguswidth’s not offended or disgusted by Swidhelm’s infidelity in this time and place, because of course he was unfaithful in “real” life as well. And that kept him nice and busy while she pursued a hot-sexual, educational, soul-awakening affair with Cynefrid, philosopher/poet.

What’s pissing her off is that now she’s being kept away from the Past in which she and Cynefrid continued blissfully until she was forced to join Swidhelm here and now. “Whither thou goest, I shall follow” and all that garbage, thankyouverymuch GOD. She wants him to get his hairy English arse back where he belongs, chiefly for her own sake.

But Cynefrid is undoubtedly frantic at Breguswidth’s disappearance. That’s the problem. And if she gets back and finds out he’s been comforting himself with the Past of that harlot of a miller’s daughter, there will be hell to pay.

If only she could figure out a way to dissolve the indissoluble or call Cynefrid to her, she’d have no issue whatsoever with Swidhelm staying with Spirit. Seriously. (Can anybody help with this? Google?)

As someone who’s been sleeping with a philosopher poet, she also has issues with the way we all use the terms “past lives” and “souls” interchangeably. Most of the past lives she’s examined in the catalogue cannot possibly have souls worth a grain of salt. They lived and died without ever giving a moment’s thought to their hearts or their hearts’ connections to their minds and spirits. Their souls were never examined, much less awakened like her own. She’s got to be worth six times as much as Swidhelm. For pity’s sake.

Stay tuned. Don’t despair. Shop in the Chicago Soul Exchange store where value abounds!

SpiritualEssence is devastated.

Swidhelm must explain!

Dear Everyone,

This hurt me more than hurt you. I apologize. Forced apology, notheless REAL apology.

I lie, I cheat, I steal, I take bite of your yogurt then smooth top of yogurt back to flat then glue lid back on yogurt tub, everything bad I do many times over! Sorry!

YOu now please take all your future past life business to authorized prepresentatives of Credit Liechtenstein Caribe Investment Group only. Great company. Poewrful company.

At your service,

You’re right about everything, SpiritualEssence!

Especially about them being angry. Holy [bleeep]! I’m getting out of the shower and I hear crashing and banging in the other room, and there she is, this little fireplug of a gal, madder than a wet hen!

I got her slowed down a little bit and now I can understand her a little better. She’s sharp, I gotta say. She gets it that I can pass a message to her hubby on here so here goes. Spirit, make sure to tell Swidhelm. Her rant goes a little like this here:

Swidhelm, it is I, Breguswidth. Your wife, Breguswidth? Bound to you indissolubly in the eyes of God at the age of twelve? It seems that even Death has not parted us, Swidhelm, and I am called to your side across the trackless wastes of time, space, indifference and infidelity. Called to this hell of emptiness and greed. Come away from this place, husband. It is embarrassing.

OK, I’m putting in everything she said that I can remember, even though the reference to my apartment (“this hell . . . etc.”) is unflattering. The cleaning lady comes this afternoon, so it’s been two full weeks, so give me a break!

ps SpiritualEssence, I am super-sorry for some of the things I said. When I get caught up I’ll go back and delete them. I hope we’re still friends. It’s just the stress of all this. But the important thing is, I believe you! Too weird though! It is a COMPLETE paradigm shift for me, but I can’t argue with the thrashing, somewhat nasal presence of Breguswith. She’s more real than I am. When I get more sleep I’ll tell you what that means.

OK, wow. Some things are just more important than others!

SpiritualEssence and Swidhelm stopped talking. He took her hand in his. He lead her from the livig room to her chamber . . .

The camera turns away to look out across the twinkling lights of the city.

He’s snoring heartily now. OK, so She is a vegetarian and pigs and pork are His hobby. OK so she agreed in principle to spend her own money to hire attorneys to work on a British lawsuit over 1,000 years old.

But doesn’t everyone make these kind of compromises? Isn’t that what love is? Yes athat is what love is. And love is repleting! Swidhelm and SpiritualEssence are one.  Totally, utterly, wonderfully repleting!

She must run and get bacon for surprise breakfast from the Quicky Mart.

Dear Chicago Soul Exchange Community,

Hey everybody . . . let’s just chillax!

I have been getting a lot of backchannel heat for adjusting my pricing scheme to reflect I guess what you’d call the New Economic Realities of the past life business.

“Gouging?” “Profiteering?” Really? Ouch!

Those of you who’ve been around here know that I am totally not in this originally for the money. I’m just your typical Political Science/Landscape Architecture dropout with a knack for the past trying to earn a few samoleans and do a lot of international travel.

Yeah I hit a lucky streak and turned up some quality merch. No, I’m not going to tell you where and how. Yeah, like every businessdude I price at what the market will bear and this time the market is bearing passionfruit. The deregulated past life industry is a young industry and who knows what fair pricing is yet?

And I don’t want to start on a long chew, but let me just remind you that there is a considerable amount of risk and “discomfort” to put it mildly on the harvesting end. If you think you can do it, try it. That’s all I’ll say. (zipping lips)

Be calm everyone.

ChadBonneur

SpiritualEssence thanks you supporters SO MUCH for your support! It is meaning so much to her during this tryintersesting time in her life.

Swidhelm is playing with silverware so Spirit has a few moments for a quick report in no particular order

1) In Swidhelm’s world people must have acted out physically on their impulses a lot more; he moves like a 120 lb. preschooler. Many objects are broken already.

2) His knightess, hood, being a knight was more of a ceremonial thing; vasically if there ever was a war, which there wasn’t, he would have ridden into battle.

3) Maven, there are so many things SpiritulEssence doesn’t understand;  the basics; is he dead? He’s warm to the touch. He processes fluids.

4) He is big into pigs. She means, truly, big-time into pigs, breeding and bloodlines and swapping with neighbors and competitons at the county fair. On and on he is able to tell her about his pigs.

5) He does have a hearty laugh; it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking about.

6) He says s a green beer bottle is the most beautiful object he’s ever seen.

7) She knows this is what so many of you are interested in, he IS amorous . . . in a kind of biological way, like jumping at a loud noise.

9) He has incredible prejudices about the people who live over the hill, basically about two miles from his village. He goes on and on about them as well, how evil they are, some kind of multi-generational lawsuit. Pigs, people over the hill, back to pigs.

Oh, SpiritualEssence, don’t lose heart! She is fighting a horrible feeling of disappointment. Poeple are complicated. Stick with him, Spirit! It will all work out.

Dear Mr. Ilyashin,

You are a somewhat difficult man to get in touch with. But it is not impossible.

You are undeoubtedly reading this on your iPhone. How do we know this? We know a great deal about you, Mr. Ilyashin.

Look behind you right now. Passenger seat of the Black Ford Escalade. I will wave. That is me.

My name is Barrington and I work for Credit Liechtenstein Caribe Investment Group, and it has come to the attention of  a U.S. immigration law expert in our employ that there are several irregularities with your paperwork.

To avoid an unpleasant conversation with the Unite States Customs and Immigration officer currently seated behind me, you are enjoined to call your associates who are on the way to visit they owner of Chicago Soul Exchange and tell them to stop their mission.

I want to see that phone to your ear. Now.

You are, from this moment on, never to have any communication with anyone associated with Chicago Soul Exchange or to participate in any way in the trade in souls of the formerly living.

Do you understand, Mr. Ilyashin.?

Sincerely Yours,

N. Michael Barrington

CLCIG
Credit Liechtenstein Caribe Investment Group

OK. The past life SpiritualEssence bought, Swidhelm  has been here a little over three hours and it’s been very very very intense.

But Sp[iritualEssence just needs to give you a quick update in case more of the new ChadBonneur souls start making contact like mine did.

Where do I start?

He’s very short.

And he’s very mad.

There’s a kind of a language barrier and SpiritulEssence spent a long trime trying to just explain to him what is happening with him. Then he understood, and, well he’s fit to be tied. He keeps calling it words that in her big dictionary basically mean “slave” or “prisoner.” At the same time, his hands are all over her. Talk about conflicting feelings!

He took one look out her apartment window (12th floor) and shrieked and since then has stayed well away from the outside walls and door, so she don’t think she’s in danger of him running off anywhere.

SpiritualEssence will keep you updated.

Dear PastLifeMaven,

At very moment now my associates on there way to visit you we know where you live. GFE! Google Fucking Exist! I look you address up on internet now big man with tattoo need to wave gun in you face convince you give your silly company to Vlad!

Wait? What Vlad said? Vlad said “sell”?

No, Vlad said “give!”

Tsk, tsk! All this could been avoided you just listen Vlad in first place!

At your service,

Here what happens now: We wave gun, we get passwords to your web-store, you no get check, no american dollars, do not pas go, you get funny with Vlad you lost no money bye-bye.

SpiritualEssence has been walking on waves all afternoon.

She did not go in to work today. She did not take any heed of the haters in the comments.

Instead she has been bolsted by the charmeraderie of her new online friends like Gifted67 and Eleanor who know the truth of the matter and support Love and Interconnection of Past and Present.

All the matter that matters is the love bond growing moment by moment among SpiritualEssence and her Knight Swidhelm. SpiritualEssence hears rustlings in the rooms she’s not in — now here! now there!; she detects bristlings like a manly beard on  her sleeve — she reaches! nothing there!; she scents soft gragrances of British wildflowers and exotic perfumes brought back from the Crusades; she feels the stout stirrings that accompany the reality of love, not just its emptyhearted longing!

She feels literally like if she could turn around fast enough she’d see him! It’s kind of freaking her out. With rapture and repletion!

Swidhelm m’love! Where are you? Where are you?

Vlad, this isn’t some condo I bought with a high-risk mortgage and now I’m trying to unload it because I found out that there is a colony of termites living in the linen closet. CSE is MY LIFE. It is my work, yes, but it is also a part of me. For you to suggest that I can be bought for a dollar amount is insulting. Even for you, this is especially crass and abusive. $189,000? Seriously? Pathetic.

Hey, everyone!

Just about to process and post some delectable souls to the catalog that I think will tickle your palettes!

Mr. Vlad, I don’t think you realize who you’re dealing with here; PastLifeMaven is a force of freakin’ nature. I pity you!

And, by the way Vlad, ChadBonneur is a free bird. I sell when and where and to who I want.

Dear PastLife-Maven,

OK, backstory: Vlad try buy soul-by-soul ChadBonner quality souls direct business to business at surplus price. You say no. You flip Vlad bird. Haha.

You good! Vlad admit!  You make Vlad think. And that not normal. That good. very good.

Not only Vlad think, Vlad get his mobile and he call friends powerful friends with deep pocket.

Here what happens now: Vlad put together $189,000 american chashier check real money no fool no bounce payable PastLifeMaven.

Next — you sell chicago soul Exchange to Vlad total price above, hand over keys. Vlad has exclusive ChadBonneur contract perpituity. You retire nice place Florida, no business woryy, pina colada all day poolboy rub your feet.

Just so you know — this not a question, this not a option, this a Fact. Done deal. Powerful friends now count on having chicago soul exchange in his business portfolio.

You do NOT want to make mad Vlad! Even more NOT make mad powerful friends!

I send paperwork, you sign, done deal.

At your service,

Anyone got something besides homo sapiens sapiens? Let me get right to the point – I’m looking for homo sapiens neanderthalensis. I’ve had it with the Cro Magnon crowd. My last HSS was Ken Lay, just another asshole in a long line of past life HSS assholes I’ve had to put up with. How do you like this lineup? – Warren G. Harding (me); Andrew (Ol’ Genocide) Jackson (me); Savonarola (me, again); Tamerlane (guess who?). I am SO FUCKING TIRED of being a pushy, violent, hyper-agressive Type A alpha-male overachiever, and I’m not kidding. All I want is 25 or 30 years of a short, brutish, and nasty life shivering in a rock shelter all winter, grazing for buttercups and crayfish on sunny summer days, and psychically communing with the Great Mother in my spare time. I’m offering three shiny pebbles and an antelope-bone nose ornament.

SpiritualEssence is dismayed at how what once seemed like such a supportive community here at CSE has turned on her like a pack of ravens.

SpiritualEssence draws herself to her full height and breadth and from the most powerful promentory proclaims:

If you haven’t appended a quality soul — like my dear past life the Knight Swidhelm — then you don’t know wherefrom you speak! The experience releases floods of sublimity and hormones that make up for all the invitations you didn’t get; and all the first dates who backed away; and all the siblings more popular and successful than you; and all the outside people who got the manager’s position even though you’ve been there for 12 years and practically singlehandedly built the whole department.

A past life like Sir Swidhelm understands your proclivities and flare-ups, your “odd” favorite shows and your pungent comfort foods. He understands that some tops and skirts may be considered “out of fashion” but they best suit your build and come in colors that they just don’t make any more.

How does SpiritualEssence know Swidhelm sees her, all of her, the real her?

Because Sir Swidhelm has begun, starting around noon today, to communicate these things to her directly. It is incredibly exciting.

She dares to say it: Sir Swidhelm loves her. And she loves Sir Swidhelm.

She longs to run her fingers through his medieval hair.

And with him in-/be-side her, there is nothing she cannot accomplish.

I am new to CSE, but pretty experienced at Past Appending. Most of my collecting is via a private dealership in Eastern Europe.  I did pick up some souls at Past Life Depot before they shut down for good.  I am still LOOKING TO FILL A GAP in my collection… between 1398 and 1234. I could fill it with two very long pasts, three medium pasts, or a mix of short and medium length pasts. ( Adults only, no child souls) I prefer female pasts, from Europe. I don’t see any birth-death dates in your catalogue. What’s up with that? This service could be much more collector-friendly. Please let me know if you want to sell a Past that passed on January 12, 1398.

I searched the archives but there’s nothing there before this week. I’m sorry if someone’s asked this question.

I’m so enchanted with SpiritualEssence’s story. Her knight! Her rose!

I want a past life, too. I hate to sound like a baby, but does it hurt when you append your past life?

I got a 19th century cotton mill worker for my birthday (she died of fluff) but I thought this was just a lame-oh deal like “A Star Has Been Named For You” or something! Now people are talking about roses and missing oatmeal! What’s “append?” How do I do that? Why didn’t I get instructions?!?!?!?!?!?! It sounds COOL.

SpiritualEssence … don’t mean to slap  you in the alley here … but … Roses of that shade (blood red) were NOT cultivated in Swidhelm’s day. Yellow or white, possibly cream towards pink. But red, no. Check with a historiculturalist (historical horticulturalist). I can recommend a good one at the U of MN or at Bennington College in Vermont.

Why did it appear red? Good question. Love is (color) blind?! Why did it appear at all? Answer: it didn’t. But just because you imagined it doesn’t mean it could have been red, because it couldn’t have. If you saw a rose (which you did NOT) it would have been cream or yellow.

Note to all who’ve found coffee mugs, roses, etc. and other PHYSICAL, MATERIAL objects or evidence from other past lives. Sometimes the mind plays tricks! Just focus on what you have. Don’t hope for trinkets, because you have so much more.

Dear VladTheWholesaler,

Number One: Your style is crude and disrespectful and has no place on a hardworking legitimate business site like this.

Number 2: The price for the Roman gentleman is now up to $3,000

Number 3: You loose, sucka!

Dear PastLiveMaven no spaces in name.

OK, hahaha, you freeze Vlad.  You no answer. We all laugh so funny.

But now funny time over done finished. $1,800 american direct deposit final final offer.

You sell me “witness to histroy” roman gentleman, now!

D0n make me take out my glockenspiel on you new-age beehind!

I appended a sweet servant girl from Angkor Wat. I love her, but I want a boy for my Past. Anybody wanna trade? Can we?

Sir Swidhelm’s rose was blood red, Happy Lady!

I believe you, SprititualEssence. And I think it’s beautiful. It’s just so romantic. What color was the rose?

Hardy har, Bagwan. Truth is, not sure I’d know a rose if it pricked me. Lettuce and carrots when I see them in the grocery store, those I know and that’s about it for me a horticulture. So I dream about working in a garden? Twice? In a week? Here’s what I should have mentioned: My Past was some sort of agricultural drone in Turkey. I don’t know what to make of it, really. It’s just weird, like I said.